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Sep. 17th, 2015

I've started having these monthly depressions where I start to overthink every detail of my life and am rendered completely miserable and without sparks to usher me forward. I want to write about my worries, yet at the same time, I don't think digging myself too deep into it is a very good idea. Nor is thinking happy thoughts helping all that much. I've read somewhere that for some people positive thinking can actually do more harm than good. I think that's a good description of me when I'm in these moods.

The key to it all would be to not think, and just be. But shutting off my brain, even for a second, is something which I have never managed to do. They had a segment on the news the other night about coloring books for adults. Coincidentally, my sister bought one that very day, not knowing about the news. I flipped through it and found maybe five pages I'd like to color. The rest just didn't look all that appealing. The news segment stated that doing something "mind numbing", or using your right brain - without the left; no creating that involves thinking! - was by far the best way to relax and de-stress. I would love to do that, it sounds like heaven! They also recommended knitting. I have been knitting for the past few months, but I don't find it to be all that soothing: I'm still thinking! And my thumbs start to hurt after I've knitted too long. So then there's the issue of my fucked up thumbs.

One thing I've found to be very de-stressing is painting. And I don't mean painting landscapes or whatever. I mean just taking out my colors and a canvas and mix different shades of the same color and go for it! I love working with textures and small details that are only visible if you follow the structure, only to realize it's been disrupted. Now, there is of course a downside to this as well: Where the fuck to I put all the paintings?! I don't have room for all the ones I want to create, and I'm not sure I could ever get rid of my creations. I'm far too emotionally attached for that.

On a whole different note, I no longer find workouts to be as fun or rewarding as I used to. I get bored very easily, and I need goals. So last night, I thought of a new goal: I want to be able to do a split again. I could do it when I was a kid (really, which kid couldn't?) but then I got old and stiff. So I started with a stretch tutorial this morning. Let's just say that I was nowhere near as limber as the girl in the tutorial, but that's okay, I'll get there. That's why I'm doing the exercises, duh! I feel pretty alright now, but my bet is that by nightfall, or at least tomorrow morning, I will really feel the burn in my legs. And I've also (re)discovered that I have absolutely no balance whatsoever. So that's a problem.

My sister and I talked about getting into archery (because we're both obsessed with Robin Hood) and found that there's an archery club very close to where I live. Now, my phone anxiety keeps me from calling them, and I also don't like organized sports. So I'd rather train on my own. It's fine, I looked it up: bows and arrows are not considered weapons under Swedish law (hunting with bow and arrow is actually illegal), but fall into more of a hobby category, meaning that anyone is free to practice, so long as it's under safe circumstances. We'll see what happens. Knowing me, I'll get tired of the idea in a couple of weeks and will just let it go.

This entire post was written with Dr. Jen Arnold (from The Little Couple) talking in my head. That's just a glimpse of what really goes on in there.